A Study In Pink
by Carly-M
Summary: What have the study group done to enrage their Biology class this time?


Professor Duncan limped into the study room where the group were waiting impatiently for him at the table. "Sorry I'm late," he said, plonking a stack of books between Jeff and Britta. "Had a bit of an altercation with Chang about the regulation walking speed in the corridor."

"There's a rule on how fast you can walk?" said Pierce.

"Nothing you need to worry about, Grandpa," said Jeff.

"Or anyone for that matter," added Duncan. "I soon proved to Chang who was boss."

"Was it Chang and his Taser gun?" asked Britta.

"Yes," said Duncan, grimacing as he felt a twinge in his upper thigh area. "But enough about my nuked genitals – as you know, we're here for an equally serious matter."

Jeff shook his head. "And, as _you_ know, the allegations made against our study group are all based on hearsay and a little thing I like to call 'Barney Syndrome'."

"Everyone thinks we're giant, annoying purple dinosaurs?" said Troy in confusion.

"Not that Barney, Troy."

"Barney Rubble?" said Abed.

"Oh for cr—Barney from _How I Met Your Mother_," sighed Jeff. "Meaning, everyone else is jealous because they wish they were as legendary as us."

The group murmured their agreement as Duncan picked up his clipboard. "Is that so? Well, allow me to read a few anonymous quotes collected from your Biology classmates." He cleared his throat. "I would rather listen to a duet between Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black than listen to those seven idiots." He thumbed through a few more slips of paper. "That time we all got food poisoning from the soft-serve machine was still cooler than having the study group in our class."

Everyone winced. "If I ever needed a re-enactment of the pea soup scene from The Exorcist, that day would have been it," said Abed.

"Oh, and here's my favorite," Duncan chuckled. "The study group are so fat, they sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out!" They shot him blank stares as he continued to guffaw. "That one was just for fun," he said, wiping a tear from his eye. "Ahh, American joke culture. You do slay me."

"Professor, can we resolve this matter as soon as possible?" said Annie. "I'm sure you'll soon realize this is just one big misunderstanding."

"I'm not sure how a whole Biology class requesting stress leave can be chalked up to a 'big misunderstanding', but sure, let's go with that." Duncan unhooked his pen from the pocket of his white jacket. "Since you all gave me concussion last time I attempted a therapy session, I'm going to interview you separately first to ease everyone in. Winger, you're up."

"I still don't see why the Dean thinks talking to you is going to help," said Jeff. "This is the guy who incorporates 'Superhero Day' into the curriculum just so he can get away with wearing a PVC catsuit. I don't think we can trust his judgement."

"Just shut up and come with me, would you?"

"I'm curious, though" said Jeff, slowly gathering his things. "Is your lab coat supposed to distract us from the fact that a piece of lint would be better at psychoanalyzing us than you?"

"Sorry, what's that Winger? I can't hear you over your giant forehead."

"Your professionalism is a delight as always."

Britta noticed everyone tense up when Jeff and Duncan left for Duncan's office. "Don't worry, guys, these psych evaluations are no biggie. Trust me. It's basic Psychology 101."

"But it's still a test," said Annie, anxiously twirling hair around her finger. "One I didn't completely study for because I thought we'd get through it as a group… Oh God, what if I don't get an A?"

"Um, Annie, I don't think this is the kind of thing you get letter grades for," said Troy. "… Ooh, maybe we'll get candy if we don't fail!"

"_I can't afford to fail anything else Biology-related_," Annie said in a high-pitched voice, gripping the edge of the desk.

"Annie, chill, you're going to be fine," said Britta, giving her a reassuring smile. "It's like that movie quote says – life's like a chocolate bag; you never know what you'll unwrap." She faltered under Annie's confusion. "I Britta'd that didn't I?"

"I think you Britta'd your advice too, sweetie," said Shirley. "Why are you telling Annie life might throw her a curveball?"

"Crap… Hang on, curveballs!" Britta flung her arms around in excitement. "That quote from that movie where Forrest Gump coaches Madonna. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen or something…"

"Britta?" said Troy, noticing Abed's eyes starting to glaze over. "Can you quit stomping on Tom Hanks' IMDB resume before you kill Abed? Or Toy Story?"

Pierce lurched forward. "You touch Toy Story and I will shatter your world!"

"How about you very slowly walk over here and say that to my face!" Britta sneered.

"Guys! We need to relax so we can prove to Duncan that we're nice, normal functioning members of society _and not raving lunatics_!" yelled Annie, just as Todd walked past the room.

"I don't understand you people," he stammered, clutching his books to his chest before running away. "I don't understand this school!"

The group fell silent as Annie tried to shrug it off. "It's Todd, what does he know? This school is fine." She jumped as a voice echoed through the halls.

"HALT! THAT IS NOT THE CHANG-ULATION WALKING SPEED."

"… Besides Chang, this school is _fine_."

* * *

><p>"This whole school is one big bowl of mixed nuts," said Jeff. "I don't see why we're being singled out."<p>

"That may be true, but the whole school isn't responsible for disrupting every Biology class with, and I quote, 'their whack-ass problems'." Duncan waved the paper in Jeff's face. "The complaint forms, much like Shakira's hips, don't lie."

"We've only held up class two, three times, max. Otherwise we keep to ourselves. Professor Kane even made the seven of us stay in our own group all semester."

"Is that right?" said Duncan, opening up a folder. "What, may I ask, then is 'the doll incident' everyone's up in arms about?"

Jeff pursed his lips. "… No comment."

* * *

><p>"I have no idea of this doll incident you speak of," said Annie, avoiding eye contact.<p>

"Really? Is this perhaps a memory you're trying to repress? Or denial so you don't have to face the consequences?" Duncan smiled. "Either way, there's a goldmine there to poke sticks at."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but accusations will never hurt me."

"That sounds very rehearsed for someone who I hear was panicking about not studying for the 'test'. Had this mantra for a while have we… Annie Adderall?"

"Oh you did _not_ just go there."

"Went there, bought the t-shirt and the tacky snow globe too."

Annie glared at him. "What happened in my past had nothing to do with the doll, OK?"

"So my distraction technique worked and you're admitting there _was_ a doll?"

* * *

><p>"… No?"<p>

"You don't sound very sure of that Troy."

"… I know?"

"Tell you what, how about we take a pause on the chatting and look at a few inkblots instead?" Duncan took a bundle off his desk. "Just tell me what you see."

Troy glanced at the first one. "OK, these are two chicken fingers dancing. Wait…" He flipped the card upside down. "Dancing on the ceiling."

"And this one?"

"A brownie wearing a top hat because it's fancy."

"This one?"

"Curly fries and regular fries in a war re-enactment."

"… Troy have you eaten today?"

"No, why?"

* * *

><p>"This one represents the last fight my mom and dad had before they split up."<p>

Duncan raised his eyebrows. "Very good, Abed. What about the next one?"

"That bully who harassed me a few Christmases ago."

"Intriguing. And the third one?"

"An incident from my childhood that traumatized me or made me re-evaluate my life to become the man I am today."

"Ah-ha! Joke's on you – that one is a coffee stain I spilt on my pants that I photocopied." He folded his arms. "A trick-blot if you will. You're not taking this seriously at all."

"You got me. I'm just trying to spice things up a bit." Abed handed the cards back to him. "In all honesty they all just look like inkblots to me."

"Of course they do."

"Except for that fifth one. It kind of looks like a falafel."

"Let me guess, you haven't eaten lunch either?"

"No, I have. It just really resembles falafel. Like in my dad's shop."

"… Hmm."

* * *

><p>"This one is the Lord Jesus praying with his disciples."<p>

"That's what you said for the last inkblot."

"Oh no," Shirley cooed. "That one was the Lord Jesus praying with a group of children."

Duncan buried his face in his hands. "And the next one?"

"Hmm, this looks like a knife."

His head shot up. "It does?"

"Yes – the Lord Jesus is using it to cut the loaves and fishes for the poor," she smiled. "And there's the water he'll turn into wine."

Duncan eyed off the jug of water he'd set aside for the group. "Lucky Jesus," he muttered.

* * *

><p>"Wait, where are the inkblots?" said Britta. "When the others came out they said they had to look at inkblots."<p>

"Yes, that was before everyone decided to see my soul in them and shred it to pieces," said Duncan, running a hand through his already messy hair. "I'm skipping ahead to the next task."

"Oh man, it's the word association thing isn't it?"

"Got it in one."

"_Crapsticks_."

Duncan retrieved his notepad with a set of pre-written words in it. "Ready?"

"Yes!"

"… I'm going to pretend you knew that wasn't the first word. Righto, the _actual_ first word is 'class'."

"Um, friends."

"Learning?"

"Studying."

"Biology?"

"Lego."

"Jeff?"

"Douche-y."

"Excellent, you've passed."

* * *

><p>"Eartha Kitt."<p>

Duncan paused. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't question these things, but how on earth did you associate 'learning' with Eartha Kitt?"

"Funny you should casually mention the delectable Ms Kitt," Pierce chortled. "We had sex in an airplane bathroom once and I definitely _learnt_ some things that day."

"Can we just get back to the… Was she any good?"

"Let me just say, she put the 'meow' in sex kitten."

"Flashed her your Bat Signal did you?"

Pierce screwed up his nose. "I don't follow."

"Because she played… Never mind. Next word then, ay? 'Biology'."

"Earth," Pierce winked. "As in 'I feel the Eartha move under my hips'."

"_Nice_. Up top!" Duncan held out his hand for a high-five, which Pierce happily reciprocated. "I'll bet you didn't get _mad props_ like this for the doll incident, did you?"

"Exactly. No one respects my humor here."

"That's a shame. So, what else can you tell me about this whole doll ordeal?"

"… What day is it?"

"Oh don't play the doddering old man card with me now, Pierce. I'm on to you."

"Who's Pierce? My name is Kickpuncher."

* * *

><p>"I said 'class'."<p>

"I know what you said, Duncan, but word associations are about as useful as Pierce having an iTunes account. Therefore I'm not answering you."

"You have to answer me. I'm in charge."

Jeff smirked and leant back into the worn-out sofa. "Of what? Us? You've got half your breakfast smeared all over your tie; you're barely in charge of your own basic motor skills."

"You can talk," said Duncan. "What's that pink, shiny smudge by your left ear? Miss your mouth putting on your lipstick again?" He grinned when Jeff shifted uncomfortably in his seat and wiped his neck. "Two can play at this observation game you know."

"Yeah? How about you observe this?"

"Flipping the bird. How very mature."

"Yes. And a word I would definitely not associate with you."

"So you agree that word associations _can_ be useful then?"

"… Bite me."

* * *

><p>"Friends?"<p>

"Family."

"Studying?"

"Vital."

"Biology?"

"Doll-free," said Annie, giving Duncan a pointed look.

"Jeff?"

"Walls… I mean, friend! _Friend_."

Duncan glanced at her suspiciously. "Pink?"

"Lipgloss," she replied, absently rubbing her lips together.

"Interesting."

"Pie-charts."

"No that wasn't… Never mind."

* * *

><p>"Tell me again what I'm supposed to do?"<p>

"It's simple, Troy," sighed Duncan. "I say a word, and then you tell me the very first word that pops into your head. Like 'football'."

"Football."

"Yes, exactly. So now you tell me your word."

Troy frowned. "I just did."

"No, football was my word."

"Yeah, but like, when _you_ say a word that same word automatically sits in my brain and then it's all I can think of."

"… Try to think of another one."

"But then it won't be the first word that I think of."

"Oh for f… OK, deep breaths Ian, you have a degree." Duncan clasped his hands together. "Let's try another easy word. How about monkey? And don't say monkey in return," he rushed.

"Um… boobs."

"Seriously?"

"Yep. Well, Annie's Boobs."

"She calls her breasts her monkeys?"

"What?"

"What? Nothing. Uh, next word is 'doll'."

Troy's eye started to twitch. "What's that, Abed?" he said slowly, angling his head towards his wristwatch as if it were a secret intercom. "There's been a meteor explosion outside and we have to evacuate?" He stood up and pretended to be terrified. "Aliens are coming out of the meteor rocks? Run, Professor, save yourself!"

Duncan watched as Troy bolted out of the room, screaming.

"Women, children and Firefly fans get the lifeboats first!"

* * *

><p>"… And that's when I realized I was never going to live up to my dad's expectations and take over the family falafel business," said Abed, reclining on the sofa.<p>

"How did that make you feel?" said Duncan, scribbling down some notes.

"Like I'd let him down."

"Then what happened?"

"My whole world became anime and I had to go on a quest to find out the true meaning of my life. And also become the best Pokémon trainer around."

Duncan dropped his pen and sighed. "Are you taking the piss out of me, and your own Christmas trauma, just to avoid talking about the doll?"

"Yep," said Abed, whirling around into a sitting position. "We can keep doing the patient-therapist banter, though, if you want. I've seen enough TV shows to know how it goes."

"No! Just tell me about the bloody doll!"

* * *

><p>"There is nothing to tell, Professor," said Shirley.<p>

"You're lying."

"That's not a very nice accusation to throw around."

"But it's true." Duncan folded his arms. "And you know who else hates lies? The big J-man you're so fond of. Wonder what he'd say if he were here right now?"

Shirley plastered on a pleasant smile. "I'm sure he'd say what a good person I am for looking out for my friends." She glanced over at his desk. "And for not questioning the morals of a man who appears to be downloading a file called '_Booty and the Beast'_ with the school's Wi-Fi."

Duncan slammed his laptop shut. "It's for research purposes."

She raised an eyebrow. "_Mmm-hmm_."

* * *

><p>"My kicks are as powerful as my punches and all that crap!"<p>

"Get out, Pierce."

* * *

><p>After taking a short break, Duncan met up with everyone again in the study room, this time with the Dean in tow.<p>

"I have to say I am very disappointed in you all," said the Dean. "Not only have you traumatized your fellow Biology students, but the Biology classroom is still being fumigated after your shenanigans this morning."

"Oh gee," said Jeff. "Is that like the time you nearly killed me by pumping monkey gas through the air vents?"

"No, Jeffrey, that was your own fault for shoving your perfectly sculpted body in there in the first place." He gave Jeff a fond once-over before re-focusing. "Professor Duncan informed me that his one-on-one sessions proved to be less than helpful…"

"Shocker," muttered Jeff.

"… so now I'm going to have to bring out the big guns."

"Paintball tournament!" said Troy and Abed, high-fiving one another.

"No!" the Dean yelped. "Don't even mention the P-word. I never want to see or hear the P-word again."

"Hey! I'm sitting right here, jackass," Pierce huffed.

"He doesn't mean you, you fool," said Shirley. "Although _now_ we're thinking it."

"Enough with the pussy-footing around. Let's just get back to the part where we tell them they're expelled," said Duncan gleefully.

"WHAT?" Annie shrieked, while everyone else gaped in horror.

"Everyone just stay calm," said the Dean. "You're not expelled." He glared at his colleague. "What are you trying to do here?"

"Just getting some payback for having my day wasted," smiled Duncan. "Suck my tasered genitals, you horrible ingrates!" he said, spinning around for the exit. "Duncan, out!"

"How do you keep people like that on your payroll?" Annie fumed.

"I guess you have to murder a Glee Club to officially get on your radar," said Jeff.

"Such a handsome psychopath, though," mused the Dean, before clearing his throat. "But enough about that. We need to reach a resolution to this problem."

"Or what?" said Britta. "If you're not expelling us, what's going to happen?"

"As you know, all twenty-three of your classmates have requested stress leave," said the Dean. "But I've spoken with Professor Kane and we agreed that if you _all_ didn't tell the truth and apologize to everyone, then you'll _all_ automatically fail and have to re-take Biology during summer school." He glanced at Jeff. "Swimwear optional."

The room erupted into chaos as everyone took umbrage with the ultimatum.

"Summer school is not part of the four-year plan," said Jeff through gritted teeth.

"I hardly see my boys as it is," cried Shirley.

Britta folded her arms. "Great. I was going to volunteer at the Animal Hospital during that time, but I guess that's down the toilet."

"Kind of like half the animal patients when they die," said Pierce, earning a gasp from Britta. "Ha! That's for calling me slow before!"

The Dean was trying to quieten them down when Jeff realized that Annie had become frozen in her seat. Jeff waved a hand in front of her face, but she barely blinked, instead muttering the word 'fail' repeatedly to herself.

"Guys?" said Jeff. "Guys! Can it!" He pointed out Annie's shocked state. "Crisis alert on aisle three."

"Sweetie?" said Shirley, giving Annie's shoulder a rub. "Anyone home in there?"

"Annie, are you OK?" yelled Troy "Are you OK? _Are you OK, Annie_?"

"Woah, take a step back, Smooth Criminal," said Jeff. "Shouting at her isn't going to help."

"Jeff's right," said Abed. "She's in blue screen of death mode at the moment, a place I know all too well. We either need to sing her a heart-warming song or find an episode of Inspector Spacetime."

"Wait, I've got this," said Britta, bringing an invisible microphone to her mouth. "_Friennnnnnds are_…"

"No!" everyone cried out, including the Dean.

"Fine," Britta pouted. "Don't say I didn't try."

Sliding into the chair to his left, Jeff peered at Annie before covering her hands with his. "Annie? You need to come back to earth now because you're kind of worrying us and Britta might try to sing again."

"Hey!"

Jeff squeezed her hands. "Annie?"

Very slowly, Annie allowed herself to blink. "I… I just heard the word 'fail' and mentally checked out," she said softly. "Then I had the weirdest daydream about going on a journey to find my way back to school." She looked at her friends. "And you were there. And you were there, and…"

"We probably shouldn't have watched _Wizard of Oz_ last night," said Troy.

"You're not going to fail," Jeff reassured her. "None of us are."

"Does this mean I'm going to finally find out what this doll incident was all about?" said the Dean.

"Yes," Jeff sighed. "But just to clarify – there was no doll."

"Then what was it that caused so much chaos and destruction?"

Troy gave a violent shudder. "A troll," he whimpered.

_To be troll-tinued…_


End file.
